Warning: this video made me bawl. We’re hearing the 911 call of a mother who killed her two children yesterday simply because they had autism and she wanted “normal” children.
A few seconds into the video I start bawling. Those poor innocent children. The fear and confusion they must have had. My heart just breaks when I see/hear this kind of senseless tragedy. And it get’s worse! On another video I saw about this they talk about more and more parents killing their autistic children. The horror!
And yet, I know people like that. People in my own life who couldn’t have handled children like mine. If my own mother had autistic children I fear what the outcome would have been (not this extreme, of course, but still not pretty). Yet in the past year many of my TRUE friends (not those acquaintances we all have that we call “friends”) have found out that their own children are either on the spectrum, or have similar disabilities/challenges. Funny how we’ve found each other. Become that support and “family” we need. The bad part for me? We keep moving so not one of them lives anywhere near me. Phone calls are nice and all, but OH how I miss my true “family”. The ones who actually support and love me and understand. The ones I can call and tell them about a bad day and don’t turn it around and tell me what I did wrong, or how this is all my fault and that if I only did it the “right” way my kids wouldn’t be the way they are. And yet I still crave that acceptance from my own family I will never get. Why do we do that to ourselves?
Yes, raising my children is challenging. Having 4, even more so. The hardest part for me is often the feeling of aloneness. Since my husband also is on the spectrum I don’t even have a partner to help me. Not that he’s not helpful, he is. And his own views an unique understanding will be a boon to the kids and a wonderful addition to their lives as they grow. But at this stage it feels like I’m doing a lot of it on my own.
My mom, sisters, relatives don’t truly understand my day to day life. How can they? They look at my children and see acting out, disobedience and inappropriate behavior in public and they have a hard time looking past those glaring difficulties. Some even blame me and my parenting style. I get it. I know other mother’s/adults have a hard time being patient with my kids, I know they judge me too harshly because they simply can not fathom what my life is like. I’m not blind. I know they are annoying in public, and hard for strangers/family do handle even one on one.
I know who they’ll become. That boy or girl from high school that was always strange. That always said/did the wrong thing. You all know who I’m talking about, we ALL knew THAT kid in school. THAT kid is my child. It’s hard for me, to know what people think of them, and will think of them throughout their lives. The judgement. The cruelty. It’s heartbreaking as a mother. And yet liberating. I have got to stop caring about what other people think. It’s not easy. I still initially worry, about the other mothers in the park, or the store. What they must think of the way my children act. They must wonder why, in their opinion, I don’t do more to control/fix them. But I’m getting better at it all the time.
My biggest nightmare is no longer that my kids won’t have friends though. I’m grateful we’ve found our Autistic charter school. They’ll make friends (weird friends, but friends). It has truly been a miracle in our lives. And the world is slowing starting to become more accepting and understanding of the strangeness that is an Autistic child/adult.
No, my biggest nightmare is that they’ll figure out that my own parents don’t like them. That their own cousins think my kids are weird. I know we can’t pick our family, but I got stuck with some challenging ones. They don’t mean to be so cruel (well sometimes I think they do) but they are. I get that we all have our own lives and our own challenges but when they start talking about their “problems” I just want to scream. You with your perfect children, helpful spouse, great job, how DARE you complain to me about anything. But they are human, I’m human. We are naturally selfish creatures.
The thing is it doesn’t have to be so hard. There are also amazing stories like this one:
Not only did he have great parents, but I seems he has wonderful teachers and peers. Why can’t more people be like that? It takes so little effort in the end. To hold back judgement and be patient for a min. It won’t kill you, I promise! No matter what you think of me, can you really punish the children in an effort to “teach me a lesson”? Will holding back love and understanding help ANYONE?
One of the best things about living with my in laws is their acceptance and patience. They still get frustrated with my kids, they don’t know the best way to handle them or most situations. BUT they try. They try so very hard. They try to love my kids, to play with and understand my kids. They try to help me and love me. I’m also blessed that we live so close to my husbands amazing aunt Dianne. A more accepting, patient and non judgmental woman I will never meet. The Reader loves nothing more than to go help Dianne with her garden. I’m sure it isn’t very helpful, and I’m sure the company isn’t always wanted. But you would never know. She always finds something to do with The Reader, and my daughter adores her. I’m lucky to have even a few family members who try so hard to love my kids.
I love my children. I adore my children. Yes, they are challenging. But they are mine. I see the good, the bad, the ugly. I see the miracles, the love, the genius. I see the best and worst in them. And I am so grateful for them. For their health, their trust, their intelligence. I know parenting is never easy. Marriage is never easy. I look at some families with sick/dying children and I am so grateful I don’t have to face that right now. I wouldn’t trade my children for anything. I am their mother for a reason. I KNOW that. I’m a damn good mother to them too. NO ONE could be better suited for them, more patient and more loving than me. But I’m thinking about trading in my folks. So I’m looking for an extra set of grandparents to just love them silly. Maybe and aunt or 2 and some cousins. It takes patience, understanding and love. Any takers?
That video is horrific. The way she was so calm makes me think that she actually lost her mind.
Like you, I worry about my son fitting in. He’s 3, still not talking. I know he’s bright but I worry about how he’ll ever fit in. Your kids know they are loved. Be strong!
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What a thoughtful post. I appreciate knowing that about you. We all have challenges, don’t we? Each child is so different and such a gift. What a blessing for the people in the family that do try to understand. I must admit that I didn’t listen to the video of the mom that killed her children…..I just couldn’t do it. Evil is everywhere. Unbelievable. I will remember your post the next time I am tempted to judge another mom….none of us are perfect. Lisa~
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Ashlee Reply:
July 26th, 2010 at 12:25 pm
That’s okay, I wish I hadn’t heard it. But it was the jumping off point for my train of thought so I wanted to include it just in case. It kept me up for hours. Terrible really.
I admit that before I had kids I might have been one of those mom’s who judged children acting out like my own. It’s humbling to be that mom and have “those” kids. But I love them and try to put them and their feelings first and ignore observers! It’s funny, we really have no idea what is going on in other’s families. Be it parenting or marriage. The glimpse we get really never show the true story. Even the people we know rather well. Like you guys are getting a glimps of my life. But what about the parts I don’t share. I often forget to talk about all the good my parents do/did. They might not “get” me, but I turned out great, and that’s obviously because of the good they did as parents. There are more than 2 sides to every situation I think.
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So sorry about your parents, I can’t even imagine how hard that would be. Hopefully someday they will realize what they are missing out on.
The more I get to know you the more you amaze me. You are a heck of a woman!!!
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Ashlee Reply:
July 26th, 2010 at 12:20 pm
Thanks Kara! Most days I’m able to just ignore it. But sometimes my frustration comes out. I hope I don’t sound like some sourpuss all the time about it. I try to remember that I can’t expect them to change. That if I want a relationship I have to be the big girl and I can either let it fester and drive me insane, or do my best to get past it and love them anyway. I really try to move past it. But that doesn’t automatically take it away.
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Hello from Finland! Thanks for shareing Your thoughts! I could’t watch to video, but I read Your text. It’s my life too. My son has Tourette sydrome.
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Ashlee Reply:
August 21st, 2010 at 2:29 pm
My best friend’s son was just diagnosed with Tourettes. And a boy I used to babysit has it and is now a full grown adult (Man I feel old) and is doing GREAT! Good luck! I hope you get the support and recourses you need and deserve!
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2 of my Nephews are Autistic. I am so thankful they were born to the parents that they were. My sister-in-law is amazing with them. I am always in awe of all she does with them/for them! This is why I am thankful they were born into the family that they were. I adore my Nephews, and being Autistic is not who they are it is just a part of them! I can not imagine how other people judge. My Nephews are really gorgeous boys. That’s the thing with Autism, there is no “look” to these kids. People just see a normal looking kid acting out. If there was a “look” to them, then I think there would be more understanding because people would see them acting out and know it was because of their autism. Thankfully my family all love and adore those boys. We are careful with all of our get togethers, so that they can be easier on the boys (and their parents, truthfully). My sister-in-laws parents are also amazing. Stupid people that can’t love these children no matter what! I can’t even wrap my brain around that thought. They are still wonderful human beings! So sorry that your family is not more understanding and that you are judged so much. Stupid people! Good luck in your journey with your family!
Rebecca@RootsAndWingsCo
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Ashlee Reply:
August 21st, 2010 at 2:45 pm
What a supportive and great attitude~ My sisters are like you, kind and supportive and loving towards my kids. I’m lucky that way. I’m sure she appreciates how much you clearly love her boys! And I agree. Sometimes I kind of wish there was a look so other’s wouldn’t just jump to the bad behavior conclusion. But good looks will help get them far in life so I’m grateful they are so beautiful! How great that you are so aware during gatherings. We’re not going to be able to attend my next family reunion ($) but even if we could I’m not sure if we would. They just don’t know, or want to know, how to better make the reunions. I get it though. Why change the reunion just for 4 kids (and parents) when there are 40 of the rest of us? Thanks for your sweet comment!
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As a Mama to an autistic kidlet, I didn’t even try watching that video, the thought is just too horrific! Just wanted to say, “I hear you!” and your children are beautiful!! :> Go Mama, Go!! :>
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Ashlee Reply:
August 21st, 2010 at 2:46 pm
Good, I bawled and bawled and bawled. Then had terrible nightmares all night. Thanks, they are pretty cute!
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I found your blog from another great blog. I was touched by what you wrote in this post. It is very hard sometimes for my family members to understand how difficult and challenging our life can be sometimes with 5 kids, one with autism and one with sensory issues. I sometimes wanna scream at them, wanna hide in the house, wanna protect our boys. It’s had and we feel alone at times. Thank you for your post.
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Ashlee Reply:
November 29th, 2010 at 9:27 pm
Thanks for commenting. I know deep down my parents WANT to understand, but they simply can’t. I have loved having this blog as my window to the outside world. Because, like you said, it’s so much easier to hide in the house at times. My husband and I were just talking about how our “protecting” the kids might, in the end, not be the best thing for them. That maybe being more brave, eg. going to the busy park instead of the empty one sometimes, and other situations that challenge them will be better to face and learn to cope with at an early age. But as the mom I hate to see them in situations that become disastrous. The balance between protecting and enabling is sometimes very close!
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Hi, I just found your blog, and I am so glad! Our oldest was diagnosed with PDD-NOS when he was just 2.5 years old. I have to admit to being somewhat relieved when I found out! Knowing what was wrong and why was half the battle! He is now 6 years old, and it has been quite the journey, but so much of what you’ve written hit home. My f.i.l told us that we should just spank him real good a few times – he’d snap out of it and learn real fast. (Yeah, not a good memory.) Others just stared and pointed, and maybe worse still, others just pitied. But I love my boy so much it hurts sometimes, and I’m so proud of him! I loved your comment about friends, weird friends, but friends…we’re dealing with that now. But oh, it makes him so happy to be able to play with another child who really does like him! I’ll be following your blog now – there are very few around me who understand autism. It nice to “know” someone who does! Thanks!
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Ashlee Reply:
June 20th, 2011 at 11:05 pm
I totally know what you mean! My family is the one that doesn’t understand or want to understand my kids. Lucky for me my in laws are great about it (esp since we live with them) but that doesn’t mean the kids are easy for them. But at least they try. My children go to Spectrum Academy, does you son go to public school? Have you had a hard time with school?
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I’m sorry about your family – but how nice that your in-laws get it! (Or try too!) Our son is in public school, but he didn’t start out there. He started school at 3 in a program called Partners for Success – it’s run by USU and is AMAZING!! Because of that, he was able to go to kindergarten with little to no special ed. His teacher was our old R.S. president, who knew his background and our family very well, so we had no problems. I am nervous about next year; the school got a new principle who is not very parent friendly…more like “I’m the boss, and I know best”. There are 2 teachers that I know if he gets into their class, it will not be a good situation. He thrives with routine, structure, and they are rumored to be quite the opposite. When he gets into that type of environment, he gets hyper and can’t focus on anything. He has a problem with NOT talking, (which I keep trying to remind myself is a blessing!) and gets fixated on things, both of which makes him a target for the other kids. That has been the hardest thing about public school. He’s been bullied and made fun of a lot – and he gets that in our neighborhood a lot, too. It’s so frustrating to me! I’m about ready to go talk to some parents about teaching their kids some manners and not bullying, but I’m not the confrontational type, and I’m not sure it would help, maybe even make it worse. I think there is a new school up in Davis county (we’re in Weber) that is specialized for spectrum kids, but I’ve been told that the waiting list is years long. The hardest part for me is that while almost all of the other children I know on the spectrum are withdrawn, quiet and don’t mind playing alone, Braden is very much the opposite. He’s always wanting to go play with the neighbor kids, despite the fact that they tease him, It breaks my heart. He’s so outgoing and fun, but he’s so socially awkward. We’re thinking about moving soon, and I’m praying that we’ll be able to find somewhere where the kids will accept him. I totally understand the feeling of wanting to just hide in the house and make the world disappear!
How have you dealt with other kids and such? I’m desperate for other mom’s advice! =D
Feel free to email me, too – momtobkc@gmail.com
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Ashlee Reply:
June 21st, 2011 at 11:50 am
The school we’re at is the one in Davis county. They pick their students in January, but getting on the waiting list is a great idea. How WE got is is kind of an odd story, but just points to how great this school is. It’s a charter school, so free, having an IEP and official diagnosis helps but not mandatory. My oldest was in third grade, her teacher was fine, but the other girls were taunting , name calling and throwing things at her at recess. I read about the school opening up another campus to expand into older grades (they’ll soon go all the way to 12th grade) and so I called them. I called to get my kids on the list for the next year and mentioned that if by some miracle they had an opening in 3rd grade at any point that year I would love to start my daughter right away because of how bad the bullying had gotten. They called me back an hour later and said they didn’t have room in the 3rd grade homeroom, but they DID have an opening in the 4th grade homeroom. She started the NEXT day and the next school year (this year) both boys started as well. It is worth the wait, the school is AMAZING! 13 kids per classroom, 1 teacher and 1 teachers aid in every room. They all start out the morning and end the day in a age level home room, but they level out for reading, writing and math (meaning if they are ahead they go up a grade for those classes, if they are behind they go down a grade for those classes). The waiting list completely depends on the grade level, some have had more kids want to come than others. They are always opening up new classes to try to accommodate as many as they can! Right now they have 2 of every grade, so 26 kids for each grade. But they are going to have 3 kindergarten’s next year! My son just finished Kindergarten too, and is SO excited for 1st grade. WORTH calling. The school is amazing. If we ever move out of my in laws basement we will simply move closer to the school.
A great suggestion I got for public schools is to put a presentation together, present it to the principal, the teacher, etc… Work with the principal NOW to get the teacher you want next year. Another idea is to invite the parents from the neighborhood over and do a similar presentation to them. Ask them specifically to talk to their children about things that are important to you. don’t accuse, but share what would be the best way for their kids to befriend your son. It could really help alot. I love the series that M.O.M. did on her presentation to her son’s classroom. http://momnos.blogspot.com/2010/03/toast-to-inclusion-autism-education-in.html
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